I’ve spent many years trying to turn down some of the voices of my childhood. You know how it is: a situation approaches and all you can think is what your mother would say if she was there to lecture.
There were positive voices over the years, don’t get me wrong. But, the loudest, as is often the case, were the worst of them all.
It has been 17 years since I lived in my home country, and about 13 of those years have been living away from family. Much of that negativity has dissipated, fading into the background. Unfortunately, the voices I was listening to instead over the past 16 years have turned out to be just as toxic.
It is startling to me to realize how loud these influences are. While I don’t wish to dwell on them, I find I must untie all of the strings that pull on my mind — and untie them one by one. Tricky little buggers still get tangled and have to be unwound over and over…
I am trying to replace those voices with ones that are positive. This becomes confusing because I thought I was doing that before, and only jumped from one pile of shit to another. I’d rather not repeat the process again. But, I don’t want to hold back out of fear, either.
Perhaps, what is most needed is to strengthen my own voice first of all.
“Sometimes it is good fortune to be abandoned. While we are looking after our losses, our selves may slip back inside.”